Criticism is a fascinating invention, but it should be used sparingly. Here is my take on Homo sapiens' creation.
Criticism
I am going to show how a weapon, which homo sapiens have perfected, allows us to "cut" "another human being. This is called the criticism. I am not talking about teasing that involves affection, which respectfully knows when it has gone too far, but rather criticism that is meant to inflict harm and is a direct attack on our self-esteem. I’m also including the well-intentioned kind that cuts deep because our subconscious knows it is true. Either way, the crux of criticism is to find fault. If we step the criticism up a notch, then we have what is known as contempt. When we show contempt, then we show that a person or their attributes are inferior.
If we want to harm with criticism, we can customize it for the best effect. We can modulate our tone, use body language, target our words, and use emotion, all to prove superiority. There are many options to choose from. There is teasing, which playfully pokes fun at the expense of another; mocking, which creates a caricature of our worst attribute, rendering us as clowns that can't be taken seriously; and ridicule, which dismisses another as worthless. If that wasn't enough, we have sarcasm, which covertly puts us down. The type is also situation-dependent. If there are people around, then we are humiliated. And if we fail to meet expectations, then we are berated. We have, indeed, stumbled upon our Achilles heel since no one wants to deviate from a desirable standard.
Being criticized can cause anger or a low mood, but when repeatedly subjected to criticism and we can't escape or fight back, known as the "rested flight or fight" "response, we can end up in a defeated state. The issue with criticism is that the person who delivers it wins at the expense of the other's self-esteem. Although the victor may feel guilty, the loser experiences an increase in cortisol and adrenaline, along with evoking the aversive emotions of shame or hurt feelings. Whenever the self, which includes our abilities and attributes, is exposed as inferior or undesirable, we feel shame. Shame shows when we view our exposed selves through the eyes of others. By contrast, hurt feelings occur when we think that the criticizer no longer values us, as criticisms can be a form of rejection.
Not everyone feels shame in response to a perceived threat of criticism. This is because they either didn't know the sense in which the word was supposed to be critical, the criticism was non-threatening, their mind failed to process it for numerous reasons, or they have already exposed their flaws and have come to accept them. If we have any intelligence, we will process that threat. The trick to not feeling shame and hurt feelings is to attribute the threat to something else, anything but us. Common tactics include attributing the attacker's behavior to jealousy and providing false information, claiming they didn't mean it in that sense, or minimizing its importance. However, criticisms that reappear in life may hold some truth and value, so it is best to address the pain and accept it. Otherwise, you are stuck with two conflicting beliefs: it either conforms to a social reality or it doesn't. You end up with dissonance.
Notes
*Shame only works if we attribute a fault or failure to meet a standard to "u" being the cause. If we attribute our failings to it being a fluke or not trying hard enough, then it doesn't get triggered. In other words, it must be global (referring to us as beings or our attributes) and stable (we can't change it because that is our aptitude). One thing that would always irritate me is when someone would make me feel like my efforts were inadequate or not enough. If we believe that our capabilities rather than our motivations drive our efforts, then we will feel shame. Otherwise, we will feel guilt, which is what we mean when we say that you are making me feel bad.